talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
