i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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