So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
