a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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