so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
