Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize