He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
