It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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