Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
