I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
