you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
