I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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