Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
