dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
