I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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