Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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