I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
