that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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