So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
