Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Four minutes until I can fart!
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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