You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
