your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm gonna fight the coyote
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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