you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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