What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
