the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
