i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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