I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
