when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Randomize
