Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
