my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
