this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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