she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
