Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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