ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
