I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
