Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Ladies don't puke and tell
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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