When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
