he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize