So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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