there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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