i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
