Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
