So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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