ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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