I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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