wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize