Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
