you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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