im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
