I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Randomize
