Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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