I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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