$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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