The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
