he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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