I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
