I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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