if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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