i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
