two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Damn victory sex feels great
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
