I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize