I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
