Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
