i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
