who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
